omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...