"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off