The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
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I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
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Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.