All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you