Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.