How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.