I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life