I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt