I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
he's gonorrhea incarnate
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.