In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao