hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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