I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
