There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.