Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New Jersey (201)

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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
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  MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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  (201): MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/cgk3
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  This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.

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  (201): This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag. http://tfl.nu/iwnq
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  I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?

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  (201): I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this? http://tfl.nu/60aa
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  My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.

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  (201): My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now. http://tfl.nu/1l2n
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  Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?

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  (201): Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries? http://tfl.nu/cmm3
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  We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.

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  (201): We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate. http://tfl.nu/t4f1
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  A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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  (201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore." http://tfl.nu/zlen
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  Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.

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  (201): Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea. http://tfl.nu/863y
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  Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.

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  (201): Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain. http://tfl.nu/l4y5
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  You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.

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  (201): You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow. http://tfl.nu/omx3
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  Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

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  what? who is this?

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  (201): Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER. (610): what? who is this? http://tfl.nu/1mp3
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  He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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  (201): He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/ws8z
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  It was pathetic and I was covered in butter

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  (201): It was pathetic and I was covered in butter http://tfl.nu/w2vb
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  Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?

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  (201): Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs? http://tfl.nu/s4vs
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