Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.