I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.