Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...