I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
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Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that