How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I think a kid would responsible me up
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?