i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor