In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"