Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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