please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance