The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
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It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
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you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.