Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
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I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"