I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
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i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?