I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.