Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it