I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?