The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.