I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.