I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
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I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
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I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.