I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.