I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.