She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest