My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.