Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face