We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
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I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face