Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.