id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.