Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.