It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'