The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
sarcasm needs its own font
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.