When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
this will be a night to untag.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.