Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
I was spiderman.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off