Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
this will be a night to untag.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
oh god the rape fog is back!
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.