Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (435)

Last Night in Utah (435)

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Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.

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(435): Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday. http://tfl.nu/eusa

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I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.

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(435): I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry. http://tfl.nu/g6j9

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For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(435): For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job http://tfl.nu/nykr

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Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line

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(435): Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line http://tfl.nu/ol2d

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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?

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(435): she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right? http://tfl.nu/crml

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Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night

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(435): Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night http://tfl.nu/xeqd

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im getting coffee to go get coffee.

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Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(801): im getting coffee to go get coffee. (435): Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level. http://tfl.nu/l6zn

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When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(435): When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics http://tfl.nu/17q6

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he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(435): he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?! http://tfl.nu/3uuq

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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.

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(435): I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs. http://tfl.nu/z5mq

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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed. http://tfl.nu/zk8r

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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.

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(435): He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left. http://tfl.nu/e0w7

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Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...

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(435): Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters... http://tfl.nu/orhj

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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.

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(435): i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down. http://tfl.nu/j1eb

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this will be a night to untag.

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(435): this will be a night to untag. http://tfl.nu/f6xw

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Last Night in Utah (435)

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