Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.