honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
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im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.