if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.