I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.