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Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
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