Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
thus making me awesome and them whores
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?