I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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