I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.