My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works