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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
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