She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life