No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass