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we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Life is so much better after having sex.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
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