my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.