Don't EVER smell your tampon
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire