Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (831)

Last Night in California (831)

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It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.

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(831): It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse. http://tfl.nu/4ove

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she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.

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(831): she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it. http://tfl.nu/5c70

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I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.

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(831): I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella. http://tfl.nu/sl5d

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I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"

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(831): I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency" http://tfl.nu/zhku

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You should get sea herpes

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I mean sea horses

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(831): You should get sea herpes (831): I mean sea horses http://tfl.nu/2vm6

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you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger

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(831): you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger http://tfl.nu/xtvv

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I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.

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(831): I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures. http://tfl.nu/n0ak

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Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"

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(831): Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?" http://tfl.nu/5mox

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I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

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Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

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(831): I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines. (1-831): Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable http://tfl.nu/f2l0

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I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.

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(831): I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco. http://tfl.nu/qnto

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She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.

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(831): She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps. http://tfl.nu/t8aw

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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(831): She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs http://tfl.nu/k6rx

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my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.

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(831): my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens. http://tfl.nu/mq1e

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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(831): Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance http://tfl.nu/d5xa

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I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.

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(831): I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer. http://tfl.nu/gejp

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Last Night in California (831)

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