i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs