So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.