...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on