She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.