Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.