Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Texas (817)

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  (817): View more from Texas

  The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.

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  (817): The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride. http://tfl.nu/s0ye
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  I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.

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  (817): I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore. http://tfl.nu/onr6
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  You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?

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  (817): You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember? http://tfl.nu/aoja
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  Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.

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  (817): Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots. http://tfl.nu/sx8s
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  Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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  (817): Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence. http://tfl.nu/yx0o
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  I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.

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  Wine is not your friend.

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  (817): I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories. (972): Wine is not your friend. http://tfl.nu/ofhm
  Replies (6) Good night (514) Bad night (1279)
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  Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I still make more money.

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  (817): Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions. (214): I still make more money. http://tfl.nu/pibf
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  You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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  (817): You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman. http://tfl.nu/6t1t
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  Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.

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  (817): Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light. http://tfl.nu/nfnq
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  I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.

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  (817): I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox. http://tfl.nu/4k53
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  Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.

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  (817): Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/5d6q
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  I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.

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  (817): I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be. http://tfl.nu/oevd
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  No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...

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  (817): No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex... http://tfl.nu/th3v
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  What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?

  (940): View more from Texas

  I worry about you.

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  (817): What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes? (940): I worry about you. http://tfl.nu/kzw0
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  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
  Replies (23) Good night (2509) Bad night (542)