When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.